Only One Placemat
It’s been thirty-eight days. The one I thought I would be eighty-something with before one of us died, found himself in the arms of Jesus at only sixty-nine. First a military burial as taps played, then a church service led by my children and I to honor Jesus and remember our father, PopPop, husband, one we will miss deeply.
The days became a blur. Amazing how much there is to do after a death of a loved one. I thought the evenings would be long, but exhaustion is my nightly companion still. Not physical exhaustion (although it feels that way) – but soul tired. Drained.
Yet there is always Light. For the Light of the world promised never to leave us or forsake us. Sweet moments when a grandson wants to wear Pop Pop’s hats because he still thinks about him – a lot. Moments when a son breaks down in the garage because it reminds him so much of dad. Moments when I walk our favorite path and see it through his amazing blue eyes. Jesus reminds me: “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness, but will have the Light of life.” (John 8:12b NIV)
Turns out mornings are the hardest. I haven’t put my finger on exactly why yet. Perhaps not getting his morning kiss. Or not seeing him in his favorite spot with a Bible in his lap. I think it’s when breakfast is made and I sit at the table – having put down only one placemat – and look across to an empty chair. The one who listened to my chatter as he ate toast and took vitamins isn’t there.
I’m not sure what your loss may be right now – or when a loss will come your way. There is no minimizing or comparing the hurt of a loss – just because your loss might be your health or marriage betrayal but not the loss of a child, doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t grieve. Life, as it turns out, will be full of loss. Grief is in our DNA. To grieve is to let your heart tell yourself and others: this hurts and it matters.
I think there will be sunshiny days where I write of the joys of life again – but for now I think it’s important to notice the sorrows. Jesus knows this. And because He walked this hard earth, we can be sure he doesn’t miss one tear on our cheeks. “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.” (Isaiah 53:3a BSB)
As I finish writing, somewhere in the world a mother’s child won’t come home. A brother will take his own life. A best friend will suddenly be gone. A sweet husband will go ahead without his wife. And many other equally heartbreaking scenarios. It is why we must remember: this is not our home. It isn’t supposed to be this way.
Someday there will be no more tears, hallelujah! Until then it is to us to seek the Light – our Jesus – and to shine the Light into the darkness. And when there is only one placemat, maybe those moments become holy ones where our chatter becomes a holy dialogue with the One who is coming back for us someday soon.
Christmas: do not trespass
A couple of weeks ago I posted Do Not Trespass. I shared how many of the cracks and crevices of fear and worry etc. were exposed to the Light. And while I am human and will always experience those feelings, I was set free from letting them control me. But this morning…
Quietly reading and contemplating in the not-quite-dawn hour I read a devotional. You know the story of Peter getting out of the boat and walking on water to Jesus – until he looks down and loses sight of Jesus and begins to sink. Jesus reaches out His hand to save him. Holley Gerth shares an aha moment she had about this passage: “Peter did successfully walk on water…with Jesus all the way back to the boat! And when they made it, the storm subsided.” Jesus didn’t walk with Peter on a placid lake; He walked with him on the stormy waters.
I stopped there. And all God has been teaching me this year became clear. I realized, though I had made progress in letting go of my ‘do not trespass’ emotions, there was another barrier I had erected.
In that still, quiet moment the Holy Spirit reminded me I had set up pillars. And I knew what they were. I envisioned it looking like this: A chained and locked gate with a bold DO NOT TRESPASS sign. And behind it were these pillars: My hubby can’t pass away before Christmas. My hubby can’t pass away before New Year’s Eve (his birthday). My hubby can’t pass away before January 4th, which is after our grandson’s birthday.
I had set limits and in essence told God: no trespassing. It’s what happened next that brought it all together. I looked down at my clenched hand in my lap, knowing it had held my husband’s for over forty-two years, thinking he was my security. I felt God saying, I can’t hold your hand until you let go of his. Tears sprang to my eyes as I slowly unfolded my fingers and reached up. What I found was surprising. I wasn’t grasping the Father’s hand, but I could tell He was firmly holding mine.
But what about my locked gate and pillars? I looked up and said, “Not those too?”. I knew the answer. I ever so slowly stood up and pushed the gate open. Surrender.
What does this have to do with Christmas? EVERYTHING. The Bible reminds us from Old Testament to New, that until we surrender, we cannot walk on water with Him. Abraham had to leave everything. Joseph had to continue hope from a jail cell. Prophets had to endure scorn and abuse to warn the people. Peter had to cast a net sure he would not catch a single fish. Paul had to turn his back on religion, his life ‘security’.
Jesus surrendered heaven for dusty roads on earth. He surrendered His life on a cross to cancel our sin debt. But there is one thing He did not surrender to: the tomb. Death did not win. He made a way for you and for me to escape the tomb as well. And this, my friend, IS what Christmas is all about. A gift we can not earn, purchase, or secure on our own. This song came to my mind, one we need to sing every Christmas and every day in between: “I Surrender”. In surrender we will find the stormy waters we endure in this life can be walked on with Him until we climb into the boat of Heaven where there are no more storms.
Do not trespass
For three years I have been broken open, exposed, recreated…it’s been painful physically, emotionally, spiritually. Soul piercing.
Oh, there were days (weeks, months) where I wanted it ALL to change, to go away, to wake up from a bad dream. But now…I can say, through tears, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Where are you in your timeline on earth? Not young or old or in between – but in your soul. If it’s wonderful, it is okay to be in the best of times – it’s a gift. But maybe you’re in-between, questioning, longing, knowing something isn’t as it should be. Or, and I can feel your sorrow and pain, you’re in the dark days. No matter where you are…there is HOPE.
Today, I’m writing to you who are desperate. Someday I know I will be able to write again of wonder and joy and awe-inspiring things. But for now, I have an overwhelming urge to share my heart with those who are hurting. Because whatever the cause of your pain, your sorrow, your hopelessness – I know the depths. (And if I could tell you my story, you would see I am writing this before what I perceive to be the worst has even happened.)
As I settled into my desk chair today Light broke through all these cracks in me. You know the cracks: doubt, worry, fear, lack of trust, shame, sorrow, regret, you can add a few to the list. Suddenly I could envision all of them exploding beyond me and instead of feeling vulnerable, I felt…free.
Free to cry, to ponder, to say it’s not alright, and to, yes, look forward to what God has in store. It’s letting go of me so that my clenched hands can accept beyond what I can see. A peace that though I still can’t see how it can be good again, I know that somehow it will be.
This moment has not been easy to reach. And the next one probably won’t be either. But the Light that has broken through my ‘do not trespass’ places, gives me enough light for the next step. That’s all we’re given my fellow sojourner, just enough to keep in step with Jesus. For He has made and makes all things possible. His arms spread wide on a cross were a sacrificial invitation to run into those same arms and find the freedom only He can give.
He saw your face as He surrendered to the cross. In the eternity with Jesus, there will be no more pain, tears, heartache, sorrow, sickness, death. NO MORE – and where forever the Savior takes us on a journey that we can’t even begin to fathom. Surrender your do not trespass places to Jesus. The Light of the world does His best work there.
When your dream changes
Most of us dream this: meet prince charming, get married, have kids, live comfortably, die holding hands while rocking side by side on the porch. But life…
Sometimes that dream is shattered by abuse, or divorce, or childlessness, or a child dying, or a spouse’s premature terminal illness. Then what?
Oh, how I wish younger me could have let go of expectations, not held tightly to what I thought things should have looked like. But older me has perspective that when I was younger wasn’t possible. And in this life, there is a learning curve that doesn’t end till we’re in eternity. And whatever that learning curve holds is what is best – not just good but best.
That’s a truth that I’ve rebelled at, pleaded about, tried to fix/change/rewrite. But we don’t write the story, and our hearts cannot have peace when we refuse to accept that God does make ALL things beautiful in His time.
I’m starting (better late than never) to relax into the Father’s truth and promises. Until I accept His way is best, without my interference, I won’t be able to open my hand to His best while letting go of what seems oh so good.
A passage I’ve surely read many times made me pause recently and consider the beauty and assurance it held: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.” (1Peter 1:3-5 NIV)
This is what struck me “kept in heaven for you”. That’s very personal. In essence, there is a treasure chest in heaven just for me, just for you. Set aside, special. Not a literal chest – but a personal bounty set aside with only me, only you in mind. Also note: “who through faith are shielded by God’s power”. Nothing can touch us; nothing can rob us of our heavenly treasure. No earthly life catastrophe – even the very worst we can imagine – can change what will one day erase all this agony.
For me, there will be no rocking chairs with my silver-haired man still telling me I’m beautiful. But he will be waiting on the other side – and I’ll share my true treasure with him forever. For now, what’s important is that we live knowing how rich we are and freely, daily seek to use it for the good of others whom God has put and will put in our lives.
Two yolks
Sometimes we get lost in our little world. It can be demanding. Stressing. Full. Overwhelming. We think we’re doing life as normal – communicating, accomplishing. Today I was doing the mundane – making breakfast – when a surprise happened.
There truly are few surprises in life, right? I mean, yes, we can say we’re surprised by world events, or circumstances not to our liking. But I’m talking good surprises. The kind that suddenly turns the mundane into sunshine, or temporarily lifts worry, or give a moment to get perspective. So, as I cracked my egg into sizzling butter, two bright yolks plopped into the pan. Not sure about you, but I didn’t know that could happen.
At a Bible study group this morning we discussed how John the Baptist must have felt when Jesus came out to the river to be baptized. “But John tried to deter him, saying, ‘I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?’ ” (Matthew 3:14 NIV) But the Savior steps into the water and with amazement John plunges Him under and back up. Surprise, heaven opened, the Holy Spirit descended as a dove, and the earthly ministry of Jesus began in earnest. I bet that wasn’t on John’s radar when he stepped into the river that morning.
God has a way of comforting that no one can match. We have all kinds of ideas of how the King of Glory can make our day better. Lots of tips that we think would change things for the better. But He subtly reminds us of His care and complete ability to handle things. The reminder might be with His creation, an unexpected call or message, a good night’s sleep.
Even the smallest surprises can be take-my-breath-away moments. No fanfare necessary, no photographers capturing the moment. Maybe a skyline of thunderclouds backlit by a rising sun. A sideways crab coming up out of his sand hole. A baby’s contented sigh.
But life isn’t always going to have those moments. Then they wouldn’t hold their surprise element any longer. Sometimes just knowing someone is praying for us, a Bible verse suddenly being just the balm our soul needs, or a song repeating in our mind is enough to make us exhale the hard for a moment and breathe in the eternal.
We can’t rush past the ‘surprises’ – God wants us to slow down and savor them – if only for a few moments and a contented sigh. “Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” (Psalm 103:2-5 NIV)
Good things like an extra yolk for breakfast.
I am, I will
The battle of the last three years is once again changing. This enemy keeps changing the rules and each time I take the bait and let fear, worry, and sorrow cloud out God, good, and promises. As many of you know, my hero, my husband, is battling a rare form of leukemia. Just when we thought we were sailing along in our new normal, one blood test revealed things are changing.
Timely that just a few days before, I had written out the following verse and put it in a place where each night it literally falls into my lap as I open a book. “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will surely help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10 BSB) What stood out to me was that there are two ‘I am’ and three ‘I will’ statements.
All this hard stuff you, me, and this hurting world go through can’t be fixed, undone, redone, cured, transformed, made right by our efforts. ‘I am’ reminds me the great I AM is my God. He knows I’m fearful, afraid. He does not condemn me for lacking trust. He reminds me it’s normal, but He is mine and I am His always. ‘I will’ tells me this is His battle. This isn’t beyond His ability. No matter how things turn out here for us on earth, they don’t look anything like that in eternity.
And then little rays of light shine in the dark shadows. Loved ones seeking God after years of prayer. Friends volunteering to pray daily at 9am. And grandsons who hug me tight and then make me laugh.
I read a book years ago by Stormie OMartian called Just Enough Light for the Next Step. Talk about a hard life. Yet God used her to encourage others in their prayer life, to author numerous books, and to inspire those walking in hard things. The book reminded me that the dark shadow times are never a complete blackout. God’s light shows us the way as the Holy Spirit nudges us.
Quite a while back, when sleep became an issue for me, I memorized this: “In peace I will lie down and sleep, for You alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety.” (Psalm 4:8 NIV) Oh, if only we would take to heart all His good words and promises.
Holley Gerth recently shared this verse and these words: “I believed in you, so I said, ‘I am deeply troubled, Lord.’ ” (Psalm 116:10 NLT) “We don’t have to be as strong as we might think we do. We don’t have to fake it to prove our faith. God can handle where our hearts really are right now. We’re deeply loved in every moment, when we’re ‘fine’ and when we’re falling apart.”
Today, moment by moment, in the happy and the hard – remember God has told us ‘I am’ and ‘I will’ in all things, at all times, in all places.
Jesus says so
My best friend needed encouragement. Problem is, she lives 3000+ miles away. I texted her this: “You are loved, you are enough, Jesus says so.” Later I thought: this is truth, one of the authors in the Bible should have written that. But wait…they did!
“So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1 NLT) We are imperfect – selfish by nature, on our own we stand condemned. Yet Who we belong to determines who we are. And we belong to Jesus. He has silenced the enemy’s constant reminders of how we mess up. Our accusers say we aren’t good enough. It’s not our ‘good enough’ – it’s Jesus perfect love and sacrifice for us.
I need this truth for me. It was easy for me to reassure my friend. I’ve seen her in tears. I’ve seen her angry. I’ve seen her losing hope. I’ve seen her grasping. But what I also always see: Jesus in her. Will I allow myself the same grace?
We are also this: “…a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light.” (1Peter 2:9b NIV)
Jesus chose us. We are his royal messengers. We are holy because He is holy. He considers us a treasured possession. Seriously? Yes! Our response is the praise of our lips, coming from sincere hearts. We no longer live in the darkness of sin, we live in Christ’s wonderful light. (Yes, even when we do mess up. Why? Because He paid the debt owed for all our mess before we knew Him as Savior; and for the times since and the times to come when we will blunder.)
Because Jesus says so, Paul was able to write these words of absolute assurance to us: “No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” (Romans 8:37-38 NLT)
Many things will come our way as we go through this earth life. Things out of our control. Things that don’t make sense. Things that should not be. God is not a genie who makes all the trials disappear. But God is all we ever need. He made us and knows us intimately. In all the trials He never leaves us. We come over every finish line better than we were before because the hard stuff refines us and makes us more like Jesus.
Jesus says so and He will keep on standing in the gap for us until that sweet someday when His hug opens our eyes and we find ourselves in forever.
Good things
In a post not long ago, I mentioned a chubby chickadee hop hopping ahead of me as I walked down the hill. Such a smile it brought me as he seemed to be leading the way wanting to show me his discoveries. Children do the same – eager to lead the way even when they don’t know exactly where they’re headed – excited about what’s ahead.
Then life…it has a way of taking the child out of us. Before the fall I think Adam and Eve grabbed hands leading each other to the latest discovery. In the cool of the day, I wonder if they grabbed God’s hands and were eager share what they had seen and done that day?
In the Lord’s creation He has shown us so many good things. There for our discovery, enjoyment, respite from a hard world. “You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.” (Psalm 16:2b NIV)
I settle back as skies grow black with clouds, echoes faraway of a thunderstorm headed my way. For me a storm has a way of slowing me down from all my busyness. Outside the air takes on the scent of fresh rain. Sun rays splinter across the sky before the clouds blot them out entirely.
What is it for you? Is it the sound of waves lapping on the shore? A trek through the mountains? There’s something right here in the every day of where God has us residing that He’s put there to make us take a deep breath – to breathe in His peace, to experience true joy.
We get excited about a vacation or friends coming over or trying something new. And those are fine. But we need to have eyes to see what the Maker will use to put a smile on our face or to calm our anxious heart. Because today or tomorrow when anxiety makes every breath seem like an effort or when sorrow makes the next step feel impossible, we need to see beyond now.
“Let them give thanks to the LORD for His loving devotion and His wonders to the sons of men. For He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.” (Psalm 107:8-9 BSB)
I can picture myself in eternity grabbing my Savior’s hand, running ahead, saying ‘Look at this, isn’t it amazing? And that, it’s so beautiful!’ Then glancing back over my shoulder to see Jesus’ smile of delight knowing this child of His will never tire of all His wonders. So why not start now? Let’s look for chickadees, listen for thunderclaps, take long walks on quiet roads. Perhaps it’s the way we’re meant to make it through the valleys.
Transfixed
(Mountains Part 3) Driving mountain roads is either thrill or fright. Switchbacks and curves that go so long you feel like you’ve circled the mountain, grades that either feel like you’re climbing to the sky or streaking down to the valley. They definitely keep ones gaze fixed on the road (and the mountainside inches away or the edge that plunges downward). I love them.
Curves slow you down, there’s not much speeding to be done when the sign has a squiggly line and 20mph. And when straightaways come into view, the sensation of tension melting away til the next curve is most welcome. Straightaways that have tiny gas stations with ice machines out front. Fruit stands with bear carvings. Shops with rusty pails and signs that read ‘Firefly Front Porch – vintage and antique – sit a spell’.
That’s what we need to do – sit a spell. Time slows on out-of-the-way mountain roads. Wildflower fields, freshly plowed rows of vegetables growing, rusty cars with sunflowers popping out of them. Signs for Barbeque ahead – best around, come on in. This is my happy place.
For mountain people sea breezes and sand between their toes might be their longing. We all need our happy place now and then – but that’s not life. While mountain road driving requires eyes watching the yellow lines – life requires eyes looking to God.
We don’t know what’s around the next curve – flash floods, cancer, job loss, love loss. Yet God is never taken by surprise. And while we may wonder why He let the heartache happen, the only way through life’s difficult roads is this: “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2Corinthians 4:18 BSB)
One afternoon after a curvy drive, I sat outside looking and listening. At first a gentle breeze tousled my hair, then trees swayed all at once. Leaves and limbs moving in rhythm and silencing all else except their rustling. Birds overhead caught the draft and soared. My eyes were captivated by all creation around me. Soon everything stilled and a faraway rumble and flash of lightening transfixed my gaze.
When we don’t know how to ‘fix the mess’, can’t stop the tears, don’t want to face the hard stuff, this is where Jesus directs: “But my eyes are fixed on You, O GOD the Lord. In You I seek refuge; do not leave my soul defenseless.” (Psalm 141:7 BSB) Our soul is never defenseless. Our refuge from the storms of life is our God.
We must not fix our eyes on what we see. Whatever our eyes see right now is temporary. He is working a mystery we cannot fathom. We can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel or the ever-after of heaven. But our soul can rest assured that, better than a temporary straightaway on a curvy road, our forever has a lot more for us than country fruit stands and barbeque.
Delight
(Mountains Part 2) Once I wasn’t much of a bird person. It started with a bat getting into my grandmother’s house when I was spending the night as an eight-year-old. Years later my cat brought a bird into the house and let it go. But not long ago I began to take notice of their antics, their calls to one another, their varied sizes and colorations and I began to warm up – a little.
We don’t have chickadees where I live, but they are the cutest. I had never seen one with my own eyes until this mountain trip. For several mornings in a row right after sunrise, something would butt up against the bottom of the sliding glass door, over and over. Inspecting, I saw it was a bird and dismissed it. When I went for a downhill, uphill walk to work off some energy, there was that little guy hopping up and down a few steps ahead of me. All puffy fat and seemingly delighted to have a walking companion.
As crazy busy humans we don’t take enough time to see the glory God puts around us. I’ve come to realize all this glory, be it sunrises or hopping birds, are for our joy and delight. God delights in us delighting in the gifts He puts in our path.
One of my true joys in the mountains are fireflies. I’ve often sat outside for a couple hours just to watch the on off, on off yellow-green lights sailing past, making bushes light up, dancing the night away. On this trip I made sure to go out to watch them just before I went to bed – humbled by something God knew I would find pure joy in.
“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4 NIV) This verse isn’t about our wants or needs, though many want it to be so. When we surrender heart, mind, and soul to the Lord, there we find what our heart desires most: His presence, His creation, His salvation, His promises, His mercy, His grace.
I’m home now, no chickadees, no fireflies. Sigh. Oh, how quickly we forget to rejoice in where God has put us. What of the thunderstorm so loud yesterday it shook the house? Of the deep puddles it left where polliwogs emerge? What of the wildflower seeds that had barely poked their heads up before I left on my trip and were blooming bright colors upon my return?
This life is hard. Days will sometimes break our hearts. People will anger us. We will let others down. We dwell on what ifs and entertain regrets. Our Jesus knows this. He was brokenhearted when He dwelled here. But He came just the same…to make a way. A way that peeks out at us now and then as we journey through our earth time. Laughter of a child, hug of a friend. Mockingbirds in love with the car mirror, waves lapping on the shore.
Yet the way everlasting is where Jesus points us. He is our way, our truth, and our life. As David reminds us: “He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.” (Psalm 18:19 NIV) This is truly a wonder. God delights in me, in you? Yes, enough to secure a future where we will rest in His love with no more hard days and where fireflies dance through the night.
parisrenae 